Missed Connection:
It was another Saturday night and I had spent the better part of my evening readying myself for San Diego Comic-Con for the following week. (I bet you didn't even know this about me, but don't worry, all in due time.) As I entered the bar, I noticed there was something different about the night's crowd than those who typically frequent Durty Nelly's Irish Pub on most weekends. I soon found out that the classiest of weddings chose to reconvene at said karaoke bar post-wedding, which I can only imagine was remarkably high class as the groomsmen all sported backwards white "Angels" baseball caps and the bridesmaids were adorned in a white lace number I am fairly certain I saw at Forever 21 the other day. After a few drinks, I realized that I was probably not going to meet you (for who else could I be waiting for??) here, so I determined that it was time to take my leave. As I made my way to the exit, visibly disappointed (but prematurely so!) that our paths had not yet crossed, you unknowingly blocked my way. In retrospect, perhaps you did know! Maybe that is why upon my third request for you to kindly let me pass and persevere on my thus far desolate journey for love, you looked at me with Fireball Whiskey (you just seemed like that kind of guy) filled eyes, winked, and spoke those six little words every girl wants to hear: "Where the FUCK are YOU going??" I had clearly just taken away your breath and any ounce of eloquence you possessed away with it. I looked (nay, I must have swooned!) at you in disbelief and silently noted your Justin Bieber-like appearance - and now disposition - and as I stumbled to find my next words you grabbed my hand. No doubt you were thinking that once your skin touched mine I would have no choice but to remain at the bar and your side forever, or at least until the cruel hand of fate ripped us apart. You were of course, right, but I, being the stubborn fool that I am instead pulled my hand away, rolled my eyes and said "somewhere that's not here." What I MEANT was, "where have you been all my life my knight in shining armor?" So, my dearest JB, I ask you in earnest: When the FUCK are we going out again? I'll be waiting, with a shot of Fireball just for you.
Sincerely,
Gone Girl
Monday, July 21, 2014
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
7/5/14
Missed Connection:
It was Saturday night and if I'm being completely honest, I had spent the entire day on my couch binge watching The Following. I decided to meet a friend at the bar so I could at least say (without guilt) that I actually left my house that day. I was still recovering from my last night out (7/3/14) so I was only drinking soda water. This MUST be why I was so impervious to your unrivaled charm! At least that's what I'm telling myself to escape that overwhelming feeling that my future husband might have walked out the door and out of my life forever. I was outside on the patio when you approached. "So like, are you a fan of Jim Carrey, or...what?" I racked my brain for how you could possibly know that I DO in fact have both Ace Ventura: Pet Detective AND Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in my rather dated DVD collection! You then gestured to my sweater. It was green with blue polka dots. A smarter woman's questions might have all been answered from your clear and insightful finger point, but I, as your intellectual inferior, was still bemused. You quickly left without explaining yourself despite my protests for clarification. I continue to grasp at straws in my vain attempts to unravel your enigmatic question. I hope it is enough to impress you:
1. The Mask. His face is pretty green, after all. You probably saw a similar hue in my sweater. The connection there is all too obvious. Something you are not, my Riddler. Which brings me to:
2. The Riddler from Batman. I guess blue polka dots on a sweater can look like purple question marks on a full body spandex suit if you're drunk enough. Unfortunately for both of us, I was not.
3. The Grinch. This one didn't even cross my mind until I started writing this!
Maybe Jim wore a green shirt in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? There is really no way of knowing, but I plan on watching it later this evening to confirm. The possibilities are rather endless. This leads me to my final deduction (and I am rather embarrassed that you figured this out before I myself had the chance) that, yes! I AM a Jim Carrey fan and that MUST be why I chose to wear that particular sweater! I hear Dumb and Dumber 2 comes out later this year; what do you say?
Sincerely,
Jim Carrey's #1 fan
It was Saturday night and if I'm being completely honest, I had spent the entire day on my couch binge watching The Following. I decided to meet a friend at the bar so I could at least say (without guilt) that I actually left my house that day. I was still recovering from my last night out (7/3/14) so I was only drinking soda water. This MUST be why I was so impervious to your unrivaled charm! At least that's what I'm telling myself to escape that overwhelming feeling that my future husband might have walked out the door and out of my life forever. I was outside on the patio when you approached. "So like, are you a fan of Jim Carrey, or...what?" I racked my brain for how you could possibly know that I DO in fact have both Ace Ventura: Pet Detective AND Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in my rather dated DVD collection! You then gestured to my sweater. It was green with blue polka dots. A smarter woman's questions might have all been answered from your clear and insightful finger point, but I, as your intellectual inferior, was still bemused. You quickly left without explaining yourself despite my protests for clarification. I continue to grasp at straws in my vain attempts to unravel your enigmatic question. I hope it is enough to impress you:
1. The Mask. His face is pretty green, after all. You probably saw a similar hue in my sweater. The connection there is all too obvious. Something you are not, my Riddler. Which brings me to:
2. The Riddler from Batman. I guess blue polka dots on a sweater can look like purple question marks on a full body spandex suit if you're drunk enough. Unfortunately for both of us, I was not.
3. The Grinch. This one didn't even cross my mind until I started writing this!
Maybe Jim wore a green shirt in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? There is really no way of knowing, but I plan on watching it later this evening to confirm. The possibilities are rather endless. This leads me to my final deduction (and I am rather embarrassed that you figured this out before I myself had the chance) that, yes! I AM a Jim Carrey fan and that MUST be why I chose to wear that particular sweater! I hear Dumb and Dumber 2 comes out later this year; what do you say?
Sincerely,
Jim Carrey's #1 fan
Monday, July 7, 2014
7/3/14
Missed Connection:
It was Thursday night. You saw me from across the room at the bar, but alas, I did not yet see you. As I walked to the bathroom you made your move. And WHAT a move you made! I can almost picture you at your desk, staying up nights, pouring over your composition books and coming up with incredible line after incredible line. "What's up, Betty Crocker?" Is the one you honored me with. No doubt you were paying homage to my blue dress with ruffles at the bottom. How naive of me; I honestly had NO idea that she had the same dress! I am forever in your debt for my newfound knowledge. It never ceases to amaze me that despite all the romantic prose and poetry (for how else can I describe your delicate words??) I have been seduced with, I remain single. ...This must be due to my own folly! For what other woman would not fall down at the feet of these Romeos? Foolishly, I said nothing. Though you probably knew from my vacant stare that it was love at first sight. And then, simultaneously affirming my apparent infatuation for you and setting gender equality back 100 years, you asked me if I was going to "cook you biscuits." No, my love. I am not going to cook you biscuits. Your fervent interest in my choice of clothing caused me to notice your own. Your Great Gatsby shirt that was clearly a recent purchase from Urban Outfitters and donned in an attempt to boast your unparalleled "intelligence" to the world screamed out to me: "Scholar!" "Provider!" "Everything you've been waiting for in a man!". You wore it so proudly. So when I commented on it and you told me it was your favorite book and that you "studied it in college," I refrained from telling you that I read and "studied" said Great American Novel in 5th grade. And then in junior high school. Again in high school...and then about 3 more times in college. However, I held my tongue as I want you to be proud of your accomplishments! Isn't that what proper women are supposed to do? I would have said let's talk literature, but I suppose I should leave the learning up to you and get to work on cooking those biscuits. Until we meet again...
Sincerely,
Betty Crocker
formerly, Zooey Deschanel's cousin
It was Thursday night. You saw me from across the room at the bar, but alas, I did not yet see you. As I walked to the bathroom you made your move. And WHAT a move you made! I can almost picture you at your desk, staying up nights, pouring over your composition books and coming up with incredible line after incredible line. "What's up, Betty Crocker?" Is the one you honored me with. No doubt you were paying homage to my blue dress with ruffles at the bottom. How naive of me; I honestly had NO idea that she had the same dress! I am forever in your debt for my newfound knowledge. It never ceases to amaze me that despite all the romantic prose and poetry (for how else can I describe your delicate words??) I have been seduced with, I remain single. ...This must be due to my own folly! For what other woman would not fall down at the feet of these Romeos? Foolishly, I said nothing. Though you probably knew from my vacant stare that it was love at first sight. And then, simultaneously affirming my apparent infatuation for you and setting gender equality back 100 years, you asked me if I was going to "cook you biscuits." No, my love. I am not going to cook you biscuits. Your fervent interest in my choice of clothing caused me to notice your own. Your Great Gatsby shirt that was clearly a recent purchase from Urban Outfitters and donned in an attempt to boast your unparalleled "intelligence" to the world screamed out to me: "Scholar!" "Provider!" "Everything you've been waiting for in a man!". You wore it so proudly. So when I commented on it and you told me it was your favorite book and that you "studied it in college," I refrained from telling you that I read and "studied" said Great American Novel in 5th grade. And then in junior high school. Again in high school...and then about 3 more times in college. However, I held my tongue as I want you to be proud of your accomplishments! Isn't that what proper women are supposed to do? I would have said let's talk literature, but I suppose I should leave the learning up to you and get to work on cooking those biscuits. Until we meet again...
Sincerely,
Betty Crocker
formerly, Zooey Deschanel's cousin
6/22/14
Missed Connection:
You were at The Huddle last night around midnight. I had had a long day and was having a few drinks with friends before starting the week anew. On my way out the door you yelled (literally, yelled), "HEY! ZOOEY DESCHANEL'S COUSIN! LET ME TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER - WE CAN GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT!" As I turned around full of curiosity and bewilderment, you then added as a last ditch effort: "...YOU CAN ORDER WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!" I don't know if it was the sheer shock of wondering how in the world you knew I have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with eating unsexy amounts of food as often as humanly possible, or how you knew how much I love being compared to an attractive yet extremely annoying celebrity solely based on the fact that I too have bangs, but I panicked. Instead of running to you with open arms and my open calendar, I rolled my eyes and continued to my car. I hadn't even eaten dinner. I have since realized my mistake and that you are probably my soulmate. I was also not wearing my glasses (which was quite unfortunate, given the circumstances), but I'm sure if I had been I would have immediately taken off all my clothing and offered myself to you. I have no idea how you obtained and honed such impeccable flirting skills, but when are we going to dinner? I have been working on a list of what I want to order since last night.
Sincerely,
Zooey Deschanel's Cousin
You were at The Huddle last night around midnight. I had had a long day and was having a few drinks with friends before starting the week anew. On my way out the door you yelled (literally, yelled), "HEY! ZOOEY DESCHANEL'S COUSIN! LET ME TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER - WE CAN GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT!" As I turned around full of curiosity and bewilderment, you then added as a last ditch effort: "...YOU CAN ORDER WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!" I don't know if it was the sheer shock of wondering how in the world you knew I have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with eating unsexy amounts of food as often as humanly possible, or how you knew how much I love being compared to an attractive yet extremely annoying celebrity solely based on the fact that I too have bangs, but I panicked. Instead of running to you with open arms and my open calendar, I rolled my eyes and continued to my car. I hadn't even eaten dinner. I have since realized my mistake and that you are probably my soulmate. I was also not wearing my glasses (which was quite unfortunate, given the circumstances), but I'm sure if I had been I would have immediately taken off all my clothing and offered myself to you. I have no idea how you obtained and honed such impeccable flirting skills, but when are we going to dinner? I have been working on a list of what I want to order since last night.
Sincerely,
Zooey Deschanel's Cousin
6/11/14
Missed Connection:
It was about 9 pm on a Wednesday night and I was in the middle of hosting trivia at the Costa Mesa Tavern and Bowl. I had ordered some food earlier, but foolishly did not allow myself enough time to finish my food before starting trivia. Distressed and disappointed wholly in myself, but committed to my obligation, I moved my half eaten wedge salad with no bacon to the edge of the table. My plan was to slowly eat this as the night progressed and eventually when trivia ended, finish it. When we meet, I can go into more detail about how I was going to try to save most the tomatoes for the end because those are the best part, etc etc. However, I did not account for you and I must say you caught me off guard. While I was on the microphone you approached me. Your 50-some years of wisdom must have told you this was a good idea - nay; that this was the ONLY idea. "...You gonna finish that?" You asked, making direct eye contact - well, kind of direct. I'm pretty sure there was a lazy eye situation. Your words reeked of whiskey and broken dreams; the kind where you take one look at someone and just go, "I get it, man, and I'm sorry." Your opening line made me momentarily forget everything I have ever known. When I asked you if you were actually asking me if you could eat my half eaten salad, you unapologetically replied yes. I said no. I was too hasty. You weren't though. You lingered at the edge of my table for a full minute, staring lustfully at the salad, hoping for a miracle - or at least for my ice cold heart to melt. It didn't. Also, I was working. Maybe it was simply the rejection, or maybe it was the fact that you noticed there was no bacon on the salad. Either way, you gave up and stumbled away, dejected (or perhaps just extremely drunk at 9pm on a Wednesday). Give me another chance. You can have your own salad, or we can share. I'll even save the bacon on the side for you.
Sincerely,
The chick you don't know whose half eaten salad you really, really wanted.
It was about 9 pm on a Wednesday night and I was in the middle of hosting trivia at the Costa Mesa Tavern and Bowl. I had ordered some food earlier, but foolishly did not allow myself enough time to finish my food before starting trivia. Distressed and disappointed wholly in myself, but committed to my obligation, I moved my half eaten wedge salad with no bacon to the edge of the table. My plan was to slowly eat this as the night progressed and eventually when trivia ended, finish it. When we meet, I can go into more detail about how I was going to try to save most the tomatoes for the end because those are the best part, etc etc. However, I did not account for you and I must say you caught me off guard. While I was on the microphone you approached me. Your 50-some years of wisdom must have told you this was a good idea - nay; that this was the ONLY idea. "...You gonna finish that?" You asked, making direct eye contact - well, kind of direct. I'm pretty sure there was a lazy eye situation. Your words reeked of whiskey and broken dreams; the kind where you take one look at someone and just go, "I get it, man, and I'm sorry." Your opening line made me momentarily forget everything I have ever known. When I asked you if you were actually asking me if you could eat my half eaten salad, you unapologetically replied yes. I said no. I was too hasty. You weren't though. You lingered at the edge of my table for a full minute, staring lustfully at the salad, hoping for a miracle - or at least for my ice cold heart to melt. It didn't. Also, I was working. Maybe it was simply the rejection, or maybe it was the fact that you noticed there was no bacon on the salad. Either way, you gave up and stumbled away, dejected (or perhaps just extremely drunk at 9pm on a Wednesday). Give me another chance. You can have your own salad, or we can share. I'll even save the bacon on the side for you.
Sincerely,
The chick you don't know whose half eaten salad you really, really wanted.
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