Missed Connection:
The story I can't wait to tell our children someday started in broad daylight and without the influence of alcohol; something I cannot say for the majority of my honorable suitors. I had stepped outside of my office into our back alley to take a phone call, or, to have a proverbial cigarette if you will. As I talked while pacing around the dumpster, I heard a faint noise coming from behind me from another building. Not thinking anything of it I continued my conversation and definitely did not think that that noise was directed at me. However, I of course would not be writing this if it weren't. Still on the phone, and in the middle of explaining something, I decided to find out where the (what can only be described as a "clucking"?) sound that had been going on for at least a solid two minutes was coming from. Imagine my surprise when I turned around and discovered that you were staring directly at me and that this sound was actually your mating call! I must admit I am curious as to why you went with the clucking, though. Was this a challenge to something? An unfamiliar language? Were you mimicking a chicken as a way to ask me if I am a good cook? I do not intend to crush your dreams, but I am not. If this changes things for you, I understand, though I sincerely hope you still give me a chance. Perhaps you were inquiring as to whether or not my eggs are fertile? I cannot tell you for sure, but I would like to think so! I would be happy to confirm this for you via medical testing; maybe this can be the agenda for our first date! Or maybe you were simply calling me a chicken for reasons I may never understand, but will secretly hope that you will tell me one day when our children are grown and we are old and retired, doing the New York Times crossword in front of a gentle fire reminiscing about this very day. I digress... I stopped talking for just a second while my synapses fired away trying to make sense of it all. Fortunately, it was long enough for you to yell at me from your building that I am "hot." Thank you. I hope I did not disappoint you too much when instead of dropping my phone and leaping over the fence into your arms I yelled back an irritated, "Really?" and resumed my conversation. You'll have to forgive me, I can be quite shy.
Sincerely,
Your Hot Chicken
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Thursday, August 14, 2014
8/13/14
Missed Connection:
It was a Wednesday night. I am not used to meeting men of your caliber at The Huddle, let alone at The Huddle on a Wednesday. I was there to celebrate a friend's birthday and had stepped out onto the patio to watch my friend smoke a cigarette while I took my third tequila shot of the night. You said hello. I said hello back. My friend said you reminded her of Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation which was absolutely not true because if that was the case I would have married you on the spot. As I chatted with two of my female friends you looked at us, thinking of just the right thing to say. You noted my hair color and bangs. Additionally, you noted their hair color. It was then that the perfect thing to say finally hit you like the ton of bricks that hit me when you spoke again: "You all look like Zooey Deschanel" you said proudly. My heart was broken. Was I not special? Did you not feel the same romantic pull that I felt when I first laid eyes on your bespectacled visage? Had you not put a deposit down on a home with a white picket fence and named our first born child already in your head??? But wait! My love-deprived, cynical mind had too quickly jumped ship. You looked RIGHT at me and added three words that would change my life forever: "...but ESPECIALLY you." I knew we were meant to be from that moment on, but that tequila shot had started to do its thing and my judgement was clouded like my heart has been for years. Instead of asking you to be in a committed relationship with me I walked inside and your lesser counterpart told me I had a "nice rack". How did I not run back into your arms?!? Sadly, I did not realize my misstep until I awoke this morning with nothing but a hangover and my regrets. Until we meet again...
Sincerely,
The Girl From Last Night Who Looked ESPECIALLY Like Zooey Deschanel
It was a Wednesday night. I am not used to meeting men of your caliber at The Huddle, let alone at The Huddle on a Wednesday. I was there to celebrate a friend's birthday and had stepped out onto the patio to watch my friend smoke a cigarette while I took my third tequila shot of the night. You said hello. I said hello back. My friend said you reminded her of Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation which was absolutely not true because if that was the case I would have married you on the spot. As I chatted with two of my female friends you looked at us, thinking of just the right thing to say. You noted my hair color and bangs. Additionally, you noted their hair color. It was then that the perfect thing to say finally hit you like the ton of bricks that hit me when you spoke again: "You all look like Zooey Deschanel" you said proudly. My heart was broken. Was I not special? Did you not feel the same romantic pull that I felt when I first laid eyes on your bespectacled visage? Had you not put a deposit down on a home with a white picket fence and named our first born child already in your head??? But wait! My love-deprived, cynical mind had too quickly jumped ship. You looked RIGHT at me and added three words that would change my life forever: "...but ESPECIALLY you." I knew we were meant to be from that moment on, but that tequila shot had started to do its thing and my judgement was clouded like my heart has been for years. Instead of asking you to be in a committed relationship with me I walked inside and your lesser counterpart told me I had a "nice rack". How did I not run back into your arms?!? Sadly, I did not realize my misstep until I awoke this morning with nothing but a hangover and my regrets. Until we meet again...
Sincerely,
The Girl From Last Night Who Looked ESPECIALLY Like Zooey Deschanel
Monday, August 4, 2014
7/26/14
Missed Connection: Comic-Con edition
It was around 1pm and I had been wearing high heels, a dryer vent top and a bubble wrap skirt for longer than any woman should. I had 30 minutes to get the fuck out of my costume and get back to the panel I was waiting to see. You asked to take my picture. Fine. As I consented, you reached into your rapey back pack and told me you were "bringing out the big guns" as you pulled out your apparently special camera. I pretended to be unfazed. You asked me if my skirt was made of bubble wrap which it unmistakably was. I said yes. You responded with: "Oh, you are FUN!" I quickly realized you had no idea who I was dressed as and were probably just into checking out "some half naked chick." You then told me your camera was falling in love with me. You were old enough to be my grandpa. I ran. I changed my mind. Never talk to me again.
Sincerely,
Just, never talk to me again.
It was around 1pm and I had been wearing high heels, a dryer vent top and a bubble wrap skirt for longer than any woman should. I had 30 minutes to get the fuck out of my costume and get back to the panel I was waiting to see. You asked to take my picture. Fine. As I consented, you reached into your rapey back pack and told me you were "bringing out the big guns" as you pulled out your apparently special camera. I pretended to be unfazed. You asked me if my skirt was made of bubble wrap which it unmistakably was. I said yes. You responded with: "Oh, you are FUN!" I quickly realized you had no idea who I was dressed as and were probably just into checking out "some half naked chick." You then told me your camera was falling in love with me. You were old enough to be my grandpa. I ran. I changed my mind. Never talk to me again.
Sincerely,
Just, never talk to me again.
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